Here! ANYTHING you say into this will reach hundreds of THOUSANDS of people. Do anything you want with it. Have fun. PEE IS STORED IN THE- After being inspired by other YouTube people for being more honest with their lives and struggles, I decided to slap my own mental health problems on the table for everyone to see. *THUD* Look at it all. gross. Help me. I’m not secretive about stuff like this but I also don’t really talk as openly as I want to about it because I never feel like anyone wants to pay attention to me and my dumb problems. You know who else has problems? Those turtles who eat plastic bags. Those guys got a lot of problems to deal with…. *a poor turtle choking on a plastic bag* *dies* 🙁 …Like breathing. I’m just a shy, quiet, anxious, introvert… if you can’t identify as that type of person, you’re probably sick of people saying it all the time and I can’t blame you. It’s pretty common to see people talking about anxiety and being awkward and- *Jaiden jumps into a wheelchair* Crippling depression As much as I like those types of jokes because they’re relatable and can be used as a dark coping mechanism to hide the self destroying thoughts that tear you up from the inside. I also don’t want people to forget what the base of anxiety really is: One thing to clear up! I’ve had experiences where anxiety is confused with narcissism, which… No! I’m sorry. You couldn’t be more wrong about anything Ever. Is this a hamster? Hmm, still not as wrong as that guy. Narcissism is when you’re overly full of yourself, and cocky, and think everyone loves you. Anxiety is related to an unbalance in your mind about your ability to cope with things which creates an intense amount of stress and worry YAY
*KILL ME* There’s a lot of different forms anxiety can come in and for me I’m struggling with social anxiety, which means I hate myself and think everyone hates me too! WHOOO!!! *IM DYING ON THE INSIDE* Ha.. UGH… There’s an old Greek myth about this dude Narcissus, who falls in love with his own reflection and dies alone staring at it. If he had a brother, “Social anxiessus”, that guy would probably have a panic attack at the thought of people looking at him, internally die at the sight of his reflection, and then blame himself for dying. I’ve seen people misunderstand anxiety like “Oh you think everyone’s looking at you all the time? *Scoff* Get over yourself would ya?” when it’s actually “Oh, no, I don’t think everyone is looking at me because I’m great, I think they’re severely judging me because they secretly think I’m more worthless than a dead clam, even though I have no proof that’s what they’re thinking and they’ve treated me very nicely ever since I met them. I- I just have a hunch!” Not many things bothered me as a kid, when you’re like seven the biggest things going on in your universe are staying up past 10:00 p.m and trying to convince your parents to buy you mechanical pencils. Even though I was blissfully oblivious to a lot of things, I still subconsciously knew there was something… different This weird nervousness followed me everywhere. It wasn’t intense 24/7, but for example: say when I had to go to the bathroom I would feel like people were watching me through the cracks in the doors and little marks on the ceiling, like eyes were always on me Even though I was old enough to know that wasn’t realistic at all, the feeling doesn’t just go away which is almost worse because then you feel like you’re going crazy in your own head, but at the time I just thought everyone had paranoid thoughts. “You’re saying you don’t ever worry that everyone on the bus hates you because your backpack is too blue? Huh… Weird. Pass me that red marker?” The constant uneasiness never fully goes away, (Even though I wasn’t really conscious of having it in the first place) Once in my senior year of high school I was in my English class and we were all discussing something about how men and women are different and sexism and nhnnh… fun topic There were a lot of good points brought up, and I wanted to contribute so I raised my hand and almost immediately started shaking. My palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms heavy, Vomit on my sweater already, Mom’s spaghetti. (pure bars were just dropped) Which… WHY!?!? I’m consenting to participation here!! No one’s holding my hands up against my will. Why do I all of a sudden feel like I want to crawl into a ravine And eat rocks alone in the dark!?!?!??! Teacher: Jaiden? Jaiden: Uhm… Jaiden: Ah-Well statements backed up by facts aren’t inherently sexist, Jaiden: like so- *smack* -on average men are generically built stronger than women, which isn’t sexist just a Jaiden: G-general fact! Jaiden: But saying all women are weaker than men is sexist. So- uhh, whe-uhh, like you’re not sexist if um, Jaiden: You say to a guy, Girl: Dude, haha, uh Girl: you can’t have babies! Girl: HEHEHEEHEEHEHEHEHEHEHE” What am I saying? Who am I? While trying to talk I started shaking more, and my throat closed up and my eyes were like “HERE, need some TEARS!?” Even though I chose to talk. Why am I like this? I don’t understand! And one day it just came to me, like a mailman slipped a piece of paper under my brains doorstep. *knock knock* what? “OOooOOOOoOoOoOOOOOooOOH! I have anxiety! I still don’t feel any better about anything… maybe a bit worse. Can– Can I return this please?” When I went to college, I was finally on my own, which meant I was thinking on my own and I realized “Wait a second, I’m not happy and I HATE myself!” *knock knock knock* “That’s for me. Low self-esteem? oh- AND depression?? Eating Disorders!? Th- All right, what company got ahold of my address? I don’t- I don’t want this junk mail take me off the list! Stop!!! And BADA BING BADA BOOM. The recipe was complete for a sadness cake. That’s me. *heh* I’ve known about all of this for a while and actually people struggling with mental illness, are generally aware of it. A lot of the time they know something’s wrong, but succumbing to the fact that you’re not okay is really scary and you feel even more hopeless. Like in cartoons when a wife is like (By the way that was the first ever cartoon mickey was in, called “Steamboat Willie” “Honey, I think we’re lost, let’s get directions.” “I don’t need no directions, I know where I’m going!” “The kids are hungry, Ronald! And we should have been at the store three days ago.” “I’ve- I’ve got it under control!” “Darling…” *sigh* “You’re right, *smack* we’re lost. “I’m hopeless.” There’s science to back up that if you frame it as, “I am depressed” instead of “I have depression” then you’re more likely to stay depressed. Realizing you’re struggling is hard, and when you come face-to-face with the realization that you’re not okay you feel even more lost than ever like “How the frick am I supposed to get off this island? Oh also how did I get here? Why did no one prepare me for this? Was there an emergency island-escape-class I missed or something? Some floaties would be nice! Get out of here mailman, it’s Sunday!” I was under the impression that opening my problems to people would bring them down with me or bother them. Just get really messy. So I went full John Mulaney with everything. John Mulaney: “I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then one day I’ll die” *laugh track* I was just a ticking time bomb which surprisingly didn’t make anything better. Eventually it got so intense and stressful Huh? Something tells me this isn’t a healthy way to confront my problems. Even though I was terrified, I started being more open to close friends and family about things I’m struggling with. I began seeing a therapist which was a bit weird at first. “Hello stranger with a degree, I’m here to tell you why I’m broken!” But it gets easier as you work together and finding the right therapist goes a long way too. These steps aren’t automatic problem solvers, I wish *sigh* but it really helps when you have support from people who want to be there for you When problems become too heavy for you to carry on your own, the people who care about you most will come forward and be there to support you emotionally. They’re not gonna watch you just get squished! So don’t be afraid to talk to them. If you saw someone struggling and you really cared about them, you wouldn’t hesitate to come to their aid as well! *mutters* I hope so, so take it from me! Don’t torture yourself… *scoff* Actually don’t torture anything, cool. Yeah. That last scene got a bit weird, it was supposed to be like an analogy for stretching yourself thin with stress and, I don’t know forget about it. Mental health is super important, and I’m probably not the best person to talk about happiness, but I interpret it as a skill you learn about and get better at over time. Like it’s gonna take a lot of trial and error to understand what keeps you afloat, but you can use everything you gather as you go as data to keep adapting, whether it’s good or bad. Take everything I say with a grain of salt. I’m- I’m trying to figure out stuff at the same time too. Thank you for all the support as of recently! It doesn’t go unnoticed and I’ve been super appreciative of everything. I had an amazing time at VidCon meeting so many people who watch the videos and getting to hang out with a bunch of awesome YouTube creators. I’ve been feeling good lately, and it’s been a while since I could say that honestly. I’m just breathing it in as much as I can and acknowledging how good it feels to feel g-good, I’m rambling. Thanks for watching the video. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.